Know Your Enemy, Vol. II: The Storelli Family

Storellian "Justice"

At first glance, the growing movement against Alex Kaplan within Cal Poly seems to be symptomatic of a ruthless politician's thirst for power, but intelligence gathered by CRAKCPC operatives indicates that the problem is much larger than one woman's political ambitions. Sarah Storelli's insidious campaign rhetoric and misappropriation of university resources toward her own nefarious goals reflect a hereditary pattern exhibited by all Storellis.

In 2007, Christopher Storelli published a crude manifesto in which he illuminates the perverted Storelli brand of justice. "Justice is a concept that is balanced between law and morality," he tells us. "Laws can be used for the good or bad of a nation's citizens. Those that support citizens and create and promote social harmony are considered just." Ostensibly, this definition seems too uncharacteristically selfless and egalitarian to have emerged from a twisted Storelli mind. However, "balance" and "harmony" are vague abstractions, with little meaning on their own. Examining the behavior of the other Storellis, it becomes clear that "harmony" is achieved when political opposition is silenced, while a "balance between law and morality" is more accurately a nexus between corrupt police officers' appreciation for sports cars and the bottomless Storelli campaign fund.

Storelli Government Intervention: A Brief Overview

The Storelli family makes no secret about their willingness to work with crooked police officers and other state employees on the take. As a teenager, Dominic Storelli played a key role in the now-infamous "Five O'Clock Shadow" scandal of the early '00s. Working in collusion with Fresno's notoriously corrupt police force, Dominic helped coordinate and execute an attack on a harmless Fresno business, which resulted in bartender Ramiro Partida losing his job. Clearly, the adolescent Storelli was trying to send a message, but to whom? Partida was small-time compared to him, and we know all too well by now that the Storellis set their sights high.

Several years later, Dominic Storelli was a staffer for Congressman Daniel Lungren, of California's 3rd District. Acting on the counsel of Storelli, Lungren began introducing legislation consistent with the bigoted agenda of the Storelli family. In an effort to shape America to fit their twisted gaze, Lungren introduced an unsuccessful Constitutional amendment seeking to ban same-sex marriage. This being the first time a Storelli had ever tasted defeat or even faced any modicum of resistance, Dominic was resolved to restore his family's name. Thus, mere months later, Rep. Lungren snuck legislation through both the House and Senate to erect a temple to the Pagan deity worshipped by the Storelli family in Washington, D.C. on taxpayer dime.

Sins of the Brothers

Sarah Storelli no doubt learned her vicious craft from her brothers. In fact, in a piece of her own propaganda published by the Mustang Daily, she freely admits as much: "She added that both her brothers... have pushed her to get involved in her campus since grammar school." Exactly what goes on in the Storelli stronghold in the barren Fresno valley is anybody's guess, but one thing remains clear: that this "push" was in the direction of creating a Storellian police state on the Cal Poly campus. Dominic and Christopher may have taught Sarah the ropes, but she has already surpassed them both. Within 24 hours of the formation of our Coalition, Storelli was being shadowed by a police detail who had been given specific orders to arrest any CRAKCPC members on sight.

The Storelli family cannot be allowed to continue committing its misdeeds unchecked. Dominic once had a United States Congressman in his pocket, but Rep. Lungren was eventually able to free himself from his thrall. This serves as an important lesson for Alex Kaplan and his followers: while the Storellis are powerful, they are not invincible and they can be defeated. If there is a chink in their armor, let us expose it and strike a blow to the heart of their organization. The twilight of the Storelli dynasty nears. By week's end we will see her name disgraced and her campaign in ruin.