Know Your Enemy, Vol. I: Sarah Storelli

Public Enemy No. 1

African-American political activist Ras Kass once said, "Let freedom ring with a buckshot, but not just yet; / first we need to truly understand the nature of the threat." But what is the nature of the threat we face today? For Alex Kaplan, it is surely an existential threat, but what of the average Cal Poly student's plight?

Sarah Storelli, despite what her campaign website says, represents the gravest and most immediate danger our small community has ever faced. She can fulfill no role in the university except as pollutant. She claims to "represent the ... opinions of the entire student body", but for her such empty, nonsensical political jargon could not be further from the truth. She is, in fact, an abomination among Cal Poly students. She is so far removed from humanity in general and the student community in particular that in attempting to connect with and emulate students, she has reinvented herself as a poisonous simulacrum. She has become an embodiment of a set of characteristics which are otherwise absent from our noble institution.

Her character is so incompatible with anything even remotely resembling that of a Cal Poly student, there are reasonable grounds to question the legitimacy of her eligibility for office. Amid these allegations against her enrollment status, Sarah Storelli refuses to address the issue, in public or on her website. It is not unreasonable for the voting public to want to exercise their right to thoroughly vet a candidate running for higher office. Patterned after Barack Obama's official website's inclusion of his own birth certificate, Sarah Storelli could have publicly displayed a copy of her official Cal Poly transcript. Instead, she has dodged the issue whenever raised by concerned citizens.

Even in the full-page advertisement that Storelli shills bought for her in the April 27, 2010 issue of the Mustang Daily and tried to pass off as legitimate journalism, Sarah Storelli freely admits that Stanford was her "first choice", while Cal Poly was runner-up. However, she goes on to claim that she was "sold" once she "saw everyone... excited about school spirit", but if that were true, why did she choose red and white as the colors of her campaign? Cal Poly's colors are green and gold; red and white are the colors of Stanford University, her "first choice". By contrast, in all of Alex Kaplan's campaign material, he is seen proudly displaying the green and gold of our university, like a genuine Cal Poly student ought to.

Earlier there was mention of Obama's birth certificate. You are no doubt curious as to why CRAKCPC does not demand the public display of Storelli's birth certificate in a similar fashion. The answer is more sinister than you could imagine, my dear friends: evidence suggests that Storelli was not born in the traditional sense. "She" is a malevolent, soulless construct, an affront to God that willed itself into existence from the bloated, ineffectual bureaucracy that is Cal Poly's student government.

Storelli's campaign rhetoric is as dangerous to the moral fabric of our university as her questionable loyalties. At best, her platforms are vague and incoherent; at worst, they border on hate speech advocating a return to Jim Crow-era segregation. Her policy on "Sustainability" is more recycling bins and fewer lights, while in the name of "Safety" she asks for more lights. Which is it, Storelli? Make up your mind, flip-flopper. For sake of "Diversity", she seeks to "connect diverse groups." But what does this mean? "In order to help bridge the gap that currently exists between multiple organizations on campus," she elaborates, "I would like to have more collaborative and joint philanthropic events and efforts with the MultiCultural Center (MCC), Greek Life, Student Life and Leadership," et al.

How is marginalizing underrepresented communities and resigning them to share their spotlight with each other going to help increase on-campus diversity, or help actively recruit and retain students of color, you ask? Great question! There is a Storellism which answers that question in full: "When looking at university statistics on the surface level, Cal Poly does not seem widely diverse," she concedes. However, "After breaking down the stereotypical barrier that diversity only constitutes as race, [sic] we realize how each individual has diverse thoughts and interests." Translated into plain English, she appears to be trying to tell us that while Cal Poly may seem culturally and racially homogenous in any widely accepted sense of the terms, once we acknowledge the fact that white people are beautiful snowflakes each possessing their own unique qualities, we can realize that diversity isn't really an issue at all! Such disingenuous rhetoric is typical of ASI, whose members are infamous for advocating white separatism. Unsurprisingly, they've booked a local Aryan reggae band for election night.

Judgement Approaches: Red Shirts Will Roll

Sarah Storelli's treacherous tendrils reach deeper than we had previously feared, brothers and sisters, and at this very moment her sympathizers plot against us. Earlier today, our Facebook group was prey to a cyberterrorist attack spearheaded by Storelli operatives placed within the social networking website's administration. CRAKCPC sources close to the website suspect that Zuckerberg himself may have been implicated in the attack. More on this as it develops.

Later in the day, while I was innocently working on homework, President Baker's secret police abducted me and put me before an impromptu military tribunal, to testify about the "crime" of coordinating our Resistance. First they took away our tank tops, and now they have the audacity to deprive us of our God-given free speech? The entire Cal Poly administration appears to be in Storelli's deep pockets. Be wary of whom you trust: we are among Storelli's agents at all times.

Do not let your confidence waver or your resolve falter, comrades! These are but minor setbacks. The Resistance will prevail. I have been to the mountaintop, and I have seen the Promised Land, and it is free of Storelli's foul corruption. When Judgement Day comes, the clouds will part and our enemies will be bathed in the righteous light of our cause.

If Storelli is a campus crusader, then let us be the Mahometans defending the Holy Land from her sickly white grasp.

Mission Statement

Alex Kaplan

brother, leader, martyr

The Coalition for the Restoration of Alex Kaplan in the Cal Poly Community (or CRAKCPC, for short) is a grassroots movement which began in late April 2010. We were forced to watch as Cal Poly's favorite son, Alex Kaplan, fell victim to the twisted gaze of mainstream media (MSM). Cal Poly's student-run newspaper, The Mustang Daily, coordinated a deliberate smear campaign against Kaplan from the very onset of his campaign. After over a thousand Mustang Daily partisans and Storelli brown shirts had taken to publicly mocking this great man, the criticism became too much to bear. His campaign was in ruin, and his reputation lay wretched in its wake. He had no choice but to concede.

Now, we the members of CRAKCPC are resolved to see the restoration of a tragic hero in his darkest hour.

We demand:

1. The immediate public apology of the entire staff of the Mustang Daily, and its subsequent resignation. The corruption's roots run deep; every student involved in the creation of those fateful newspaper articles is culpable for these heinous crimes, from lowly photographer Patrick Fina to disgraced Editor-in-Chief Emilie Egger, whose name is as alliterative as she is illiterate.

2. The concession of Sarah Storelli from the ASI Presidential race. We will not stand for the noxious, white supremacist vitriol which fuels her campaign, nor will we let her role as co-conspirator in the plot against Alex Kaplan go unpunished. Once she has publicly announced her resignation, she must surrender herself to Judicial Affairs, where she will be placed at the mercy of the same corrupt bureaucracy which once sought to put her in power.

3. The restoration of Alex Kaplan's Presidential campaign, as well as the guaranteed inclusion of his name on the election ballot. To permit this farcical trope of Democracy to continue unchecked would be a crime of the same magnitude and nature as those already perpetrated against him.

4. The seizure and subsequent redistribution of Sarah Storelli's hoard of campaign wealth among the students of Cal Poly, as penance for her crimes. In addition, Storelli's red-shirted gestapo will be made to submit their campaign uniforms to a pyre; its cleansing fire will purge our proud university of the taint of her actions.

5. The tearing down of the exterior walls of the University Union. No longer will Kelly Griggs and her ASI junta be permitted to coordinate and execute their nefarious machinations protected by the cloister of an urban fortress. The reign of the clandestine regime of ASI's shadow government is coming to a close. With Alex Kaplan, an era of progress and radical transparency will be ushered in, and "better communication and shit" along with it.

We stand at the precipice of a moment of great change, and we do so in solidarity with a greater man. If our demands are not met promptly and in full, there will be a reckoning the likes of which our campus has never witnessed. The Mustang Daily will have its darkest secrets brought to light, and in the process it will fall further from grace, to the darkest depths of the journalistic abyss. The ensuing controversy will no doubt cause the Journalism Department to be denied its request for reaccreditation. Closet Alex Kaplan supporters will rise, and the University Union will run red with the cast-down shirts of Storelli's secret police.

Alex Kaplan has endured character assassination, and worse. Now, let us effect his restoration and see justice brought unto those who once conspired against him.